[Once he's able to get her alone, because... Sanji wants to talk in private]
I was told you killed Yu, yeah?
[Spoken without a hint of judgement, or even particular care for the statement just uttered. Maybe that's no surprise given what was said at the trial]
What was your reason, if you don't mind me asking?
[ PLEASE JUDGE HER, SANJI. She's just been waiting for people to judge her harshly for it and no one has? She's a little bewildered by it.
Shinobu nods. ]
I would've told you by the end of the week. [ It's a little hard to find a nice time in conversation to transition into hey, I'm a filthy murderer sometimes. ]
I was told that if no one killed, everyone would lose their lives, so I made a choice to take a life.
Yes, it was after what happened with Tsurumaru-san and Hansen-kun. It's something that any of the directors would have told anyone at that point, I think, considering they came out with all those questions and answers for everyone to read and that was included. The one I spoke to was Veronica-san.
[ Considering the ring of light where her scrunchie used to be is blue. ]
I did want to buy us more time, too, but that wasn't the main reason.
[ She's silent for a moment, and then she shuts her eyes almost in frustration. When she opens her eyes again, she looks off to the side, not unlike a certain someone whom she's about to mention. ]
I don't know how much you've talked to Tomioka-san, or if he's said anything about what he does at home, but— even if I'm no stranger to killing, I can't easily bring myself to kill anyone that I consider an innocent.
[ And Yu is someone she did and does consider an innocent. ]
... His past and his world are business, so no, I never pressed.
[Sanji is... fond of Giyuu, perhaps to the surprise of some, but he's still a man who takes careful mark of boundaries. Giyuu isn't "his" -- not one of his crew, not nakama, perhaps not even a friend, and so Sanji keeps his questions to himself.
But that said:]
What you're telling me is your main reason was worth twisting that principle, eh?
We slay demons, who kill and eat humans indiscriminately.
[ It's something that's easily justifiable to Shinobu to kill those who only aim to harm others. ]
And aren't your lives worth more than my morals and principles?
[ Even if what she wants at her very core is only to save lives. To take a life she also wanted to save isn't something she can easily pardon. Even if it's something she chose to do, it's not something she's forgiven herself for. ]
[Even without asking, Sanji can feel that there's probably a very sad story lurking behind her casual remark, and his previously neutral expression pinches with sympathy]
I'm, uh... probably not the best person to ask that.
[...]
We all got shit we need to get back to. I wanna go home to my crew. Yasusada wants his Master to live. That's what makes these shitty-ass games so cruel -- if we can't find a happy ending to it all, it means we have to decide if our morals and principles are worth trampling over others for.
[It's simply the way it is, is what Sanji is saying. They can beat themselves up if they want to, but it doesn't change the core problem; that this system is rigged to determine who among them are selfish enough to take what they want when there's no other options]
[ She remembers Yasusada's explanation and how he just said, it might be you were like me, and just lookin' to keep the game afloat.
How much can she judge from the position she's in? ]
That's true enough. Your answer led you and Yasusada-san to choose Yin Yu-san for one reason or another. We're all being led to do one terrible thing after another.
[ It's like they're supposed to suffer, and she hates it. ]
[That's a fuckin lie. He's incensed and a little bit hateful himself, that the murderers got to doxx themselves to everyone but the people that mattered -- but the only hope he has is that it'll pass before they're back with the living.]
... I almost killed Magnus for coming after me, but then I saw my tiger, and--
[A shrug]
I threw the fight trying to save her. That's on me. I can't even be mad about that.
[of all the things he could be frustrated about, he'll be real - that bothers him the least.
Though he glances at her when she tells him it's okay to be upset, and his head tilts, thoughtfully. There is still... a lot of emotions simmering in his chest, but that aside]
It's not your dying that pains you the most but something else?
[ She's gentle in her inquiry. She's not going to push it too much, but if he needs an outlet, she wants to give him one. ]
I can't be upset for my death, only for the circumstances that led me to it. I chose to come here, and while I can't confirm it, I suspect it's whatever enforces the rules at camp that killed me.
Well... Damn. He's stunned into silence for a brief moment, replaying those words in his head to make sure he processed them right. It's not that he's forgotten that very obvious offer to vent, only that his surprise has taken his attention hostage]
You... let yourself die?
[Whatever that entails, it's clear that Shinobu really did chose her own path. He's... gotta respect that.
But anyway:]
I shouldn't be boring you with tales of my own failures, Shinobo-san.
I don't know if let is the right word, but it's not entirely wrong either.
[ It's complicated. Her feelings on dying are one thing, but her feelings on leaving people behind are another. She had already killed once, so choosing not to the second time—
She made a decision. ]
I asked, Sanji-san. It's not boring if I want to know> You are of no obligation to tell me anything, but please consider I don't have much room to judge anything.
He misses Robin, suddenly. His calm, tranquil archeologist who could often tease out Sanji's anxieties if he let her. It's why, even knowing he'd prefer to keep shit to himself out of both pride and shame, his eyes can't help but soften]
... I wish I could've done more, while I was alive.
[A sentiment that was no doubt shared by most of the dead, but given he'd once had a role, well... perhaps Shinobu can at least appreciate why for Sanji...
Shinobu's expression softens. She does understand. Even if she chose to come here, it's not like she hadn't wanted to do more while still alive as well. ]
Your regrets aren't wrong. There is much more I wanted to do with what we had to work with, but I don't think you've stopped doing. You haven't let death stop you, and you protected what was important.
[A moment's smile for her, even if just like last time, it struggles to reach his eyes]
Ha... am I?
[He's... trying not to dissolve into self-pity here, because whether or not she asked for his feelings doesn't mean Shinobu needs to get saddled with the full brunt of Sanji's emotions. He's aware enough to know that his feelings are just raw -- that he's tired, and watching the murderers being almost self-congratulatory in their freedom put a bad taste in his mouth.
He would've done things differently. Not better, just differently. But he lost, so it doesn't do him much good to dwell on that.]
-- No, you're right. [Scrubbing a hand through his hair] And besides, we're not done yet. Just because most of the shitty loose ends are tying up doesn't mean this is over.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
W5 || Tuesday
[Once he's able to get her alone, because... Sanji wants to talk in private]
I was told you killed Yu, yeah?
[Spoken without a hint of judgement, or even particular care for the statement just uttered. Maybe that's no surprise given what was said at the trial]
What was your reason, if you don't mind me asking?
no subject
Shinobu nods. ]
I would've told you by the end of the week. [ It's a little hard to find a nice time in conversation to transition into hey, I'm a filthy murderer sometimes. ]
I was told that if no one killed, everyone would lose their lives, so I made a choice to take a life.
no subject
[A... pause? He's staring up at the ceiling, eyes squinting as he tries to word this]
And who told you that? Was it in the rules at that point?
no subject
[ Considering the ring of light where her scrunchie used to be is blue. ]
no subject
Gotcha.
-- I was just bein' nosy and trying to feel out if you had a role -- which, don't get me wrong, I know you can't say shit even if you did.
But it might be you were like me, and just lookin' to keep the game afloat.
no subject
I did want to buy us more time, too, but that wasn't the main reason.
[ She's silent for a moment, and then she shuts her eyes almost in frustration. When she opens her eyes again, she looks off to the side, not unlike a certain someone whom she's about to mention. ]
I don't know how much you've talked to Tomioka-san, or if he's said anything about what he does at home, but— even if I'm no stranger to killing, I can't easily bring myself to kill anyone that I consider an innocent.
[ And Yu is someone she did and does consider an innocent. ]
no subject
[Sanji is... fond of Giyuu, perhaps to the surprise of some, but he's still a man who takes careful mark of boundaries. Giyuu isn't "his" -- not one of his crew, not nakama, perhaps not even a friend, and so Sanji keeps his questions to himself.
But that said:]
What you're telling me is your main reason was worth twisting that principle, eh?
no subject
[ It's something that's easily justifiable to Shinobu to kill those who only aim to harm others. ]
And aren't your lives worth more than my morals and principles?
[ Even if what she wants at her very core is only to save lives. To take a life she also wanted to save isn't something she can easily pardon. Even if it's something she chose to do, it's not something she's forgiven herself for. ]
no subject
I'm, uh... probably not the best person to ask that.
[...]
We all got shit we need to get back to. I wanna go home to my crew. Yasusada wants his Master to live. That's what makes these shitty-ass games so cruel -- if we can't find a happy ending to it all, it means we have to decide if our morals and principles are worth trampling over others for.
[It's simply the way it is, is what Sanji is saying. They can beat themselves up if they want to, but it doesn't change the core problem; that this system is rigged to determine who among them are selfish enough to take what they want when there's no other options]
And everyone's gonna come to a different answer.
no subject
How much can she judge from the position she's in? ]
That's true enough. Your answer led you and Yasusada-san to choose Yin Yu-san for one reason or another. We're all being led to do one terrible thing after another.
[ It's like they're supposed to suffer, and she hates it. ]
Will you tell me about your crew?
W6 || Monday
[Spoken without preamble once he gets her to himself for a second, though Sanji's smile doesn't reach his eyes.
It's not anger, or disappointment. Just... exhaustion he's wearing]
Kinda assumed it, but I bet it must be nice to not keep shitty secrets anymore, eh?
no subject
[ It's fine. Shinobu understands. This entire place is tiring. And hateful, but hateful is Shinobu's personal descriptor for it. ]
I'm relieved that I can say what I couldn't, that I can have the choice to speak.
... But you're angry, aren't you?
[ She saw him walk off. ]
no subject
[That's a fuckin lie. He's incensed and a little bit hateful himself, that the murderers got to doxx themselves to everyone but the people that mattered -- but the only hope he has is that it'll pass before they're back with the living.]
... I almost killed Magnus for coming after me, but then I saw my tiger, and--
[A shrug]
I threw the fight trying to save her. That's on me. I can't even be mad about that.
no subject
I'm sorry it ended in your death.
[ But it's very sweet of him, and she thinks it's valid of him. ]
But if you're furious about something, you can admit it. Who would mind?
no subject
[of all the things he could be frustrated about, he'll be real - that bothers him the least.
Though he glances at her when she tells him it's okay to be upset, and his head tilts, thoughtfully. There is still... a lot of emotions simmering in his chest, but that aside]
Are you upset that you died?
[...]
Who killed you?
no subject
[ She's gentle in her inquiry. She's not going to push it too much, but if he needs an outlet, she wants to give him one. ]
I can't be upset for my death, only for the circumstances that led me to it. I chose to come here, and while I can't confirm it, I suspect it's whatever enforces the rules at camp that killed me.
no subject
Well... Damn. He's stunned into silence for a brief moment, replaying those words in his head to make sure he processed them right. It's not that he's forgotten that very obvious offer to vent, only that his surprise has taken his attention hostage]
You... let yourself die?
[Whatever that entails, it's clear that Shinobu really did chose her own path. He's... gotta respect that.
But anyway:]
I shouldn't be boring you with tales of my own failures, Shinobo-san.
no subject
[ It's complicated. Her feelings on dying are one thing, but her feelings on leaving people behind are another. She had already killed once, so choosing not to the second time—
She made a decision. ]
I asked, Sanji-san. It's not boring if I want to know> You are of no obligation to tell me anything, but please consider I don't have much room to judge anything.
[ Even if they both have Roles. Or had them. ]
no subject
He misses Robin, suddenly. His calm, tranquil archeologist who could often tease out Sanji's anxieties if he let her. It's why, even knowing he'd prefer to keep shit to himself out of both pride and shame, his eyes can't help but soften]
... I wish I could've done more, while I was alive.
[A sentiment that was no doubt shared by most of the dead, but given he'd once had a role, well... perhaps Shinobu can at least appreciate why for Sanji...
His death feels so much more like a failure]
no subject
Shinobu's expression softens. She does understand. Even if she chose to come here, it's not like she hadn't wanted to do more while still alive as well. ]
Your regrets aren't wrong. There is much more I wanted to do with what we had to work with, but I don't think you've stopped doing. You haven't let death stop you, and you protected what was important.
You are still doing more.
no subject
Ha... am I?
[He's... trying not to dissolve into self-pity here, because whether or not she asked for his feelings doesn't mean Shinobu needs to get saddled with the full brunt of Sanji's emotions. He's aware enough to know that his feelings are just raw -- that he's tired, and watching the murderers being almost self-congratulatory in their freedom put a bad taste in his mouth.
He would've done things differently. Not better, just differently. But he lost, so it doesn't do him much good to dwell on that.]
-- No, you're right. [Scrubbing a hand through his hair] And besides, we're not done yet. Just because most of the shitty loose ends are tying up doesn't mean this is over.
[If nothing else, he can't lose focus. Not yet]
no subject
I don't have to be right at this moment. It hasn't been long for you. [ Since he died. Even if a week in this place can feel like a month. ]
I have faith that we're on the right track, but I don't think it's impossible to veer off it.
[ If all three killing teams said they were freed of their duties, what does this mean for the end of this week? It's a worrying thought. ]