[ sanji refusing to give him information had ultimately been what annoyed him the most about their initial interaction. the mistake that he and yasusada made cost yin yu his life: the fact that he knew nothing about why short of what yasusada told him stuck with him after their conversation, too. if he died, couldn't there be a point to it? short of an honorable duel, short of yasusada thinking he killed giyuu? there had to be more.
and he was right.
so. yin yu folds his arms, settling in to listen. ] ...I've spoken with you all, but not about the castle itself.
A role designed to do nothing but kill. The hosts would tell me who had to die, and I did the rest of the work. All shitty evidence was erased, and even if I was put on trial, I'd still survive an execution.
[Easily breezing along through the explanation. It's not the first time Sanji has admitted his past evils, and it probably won't be the last. Instead he digs through his pockets before realizing that even if he had cigarettes on him, being dead's taken away his taste for nicotine. Figures.
So instead he settles back with a sigh, glancing at the ceiling]
Being an Editor had a point, though -- we had a lot of unruly bastards who wanted to break the game, or be sneaky. The kind of shit that would get everyone killed if too many people tried to play hero.
... I killed to give everyone a chance -- because it was the only way to ensure not everyone stayed dead forever. Balance and all.
Shit, I even asked one of our hosts for details our first week, and they said there was no Editor role. So I ... [A flicker of emotion, and an unexpected pause. He hides both of them as best he can.] I panicked.
[...]
The only reason my castle got a happy ending is we were willing to suffer through it. Losing people. Killing a bunch. Acknowledging that the ugly solution would be the one to bring everyone back.
[... And it's here that Sanji switches out of his distant narration, fixing Yin Yu with a frank, near unapologetic gaze. He won't look away if the other man is determined to know the truth of it.]
I don't know what Yasusada told you, but we didn't go after you because of Giyuu. Sure, there was a chance you killed him. There was also an equal chance you didn't. [There was always going to be the chance that their mark was wrong. That was never the point.] I still told him to do what was necessary, especially when he mentioned you were a strong fighter. Someone who could hold his own in an honorable battle.
Because I decided early on I'd kill as many of you bastards as I needed to, to keep the teams even and prolong the game, until we could figure out a solution that would bring everyone back.
[Yin Yu wasn't a target, really. He was just a logistical sacrifice.]
[ yin yu is gearing himself up for sanji's discussion of the roles, immediately thinking about giyuu on the island, and all of that... for just someone else determined to play the game.
but... in the end, it didn't matter, after all.
in a way, it's sort of poetic. that's the kind of life that yin yu has always lived; an unnoticeable shadow, an unknowable person, always designed to go out with a fizzle and never with a bang. it's almost laughable, in a pathetic sort of way.
yin yu is quiet for a long moment. mask on his face, sanji can't see his expression, but it hasn't changed much, as he processes the story. and there's a moment, a flare in his chest, where it hurts. (he had long pushed that hurt and pain away from him, because it had only caused him trouble, for so long. only recently was the softer, vulnerable heart he'd had when he was a god started to find its way to the surface again, only to be cut down. it's to be expected.)
when yin yu finally speaks again, his voice is neutral, quiet. ] ...You both used that word. "Honorable." I don't know if I would call the conditions of that battle anywhere near 'honorable': I would like to request that you would both stop calling it that.
What was so honorable about you lying to me? Was Yasusada telling me that it was about Tomioka supposed to soften the blow? It took me prodding at him the night of to even begin to tell me it was for this 'Okita-san'. And I know that Yasusada wasn't allowed to speak of what he had done, but this lie of yours just caused more confusion amongst the living, especially when we don't know who killed Tomioka in the first place.
[ there's a little frustration starting to leak through his voice, but, yin yu stops himself, and sighs. he lifts his mask up, reaching up to rub his forehead with two fingers, taking a deep breath. still water. your heart is still water. ]
...I'm not angry with either of you. It's not really about my life, or Tomioka, or the living. [ he says, quietly, as he finishes, because he really isn't angry. not at sanji, or yasusada, really. at the camp. at the island. at the hundreds of years of failure on his belt. ] I understand what it means to want to win, especially in this situation. I want to win as much as you two do, and that was something I have been working towards in my own right since the beginning. It's something I will continue to work for with everything I have here, now.
...The matter of me being 'chosen', for the reasons you've given, doesn't matter to me. In the barest of logic, it was a good point, although the use of powers on either end didn't make any of it feel particularly honorable. What mattered was how cowardly of the both of you it was to lie to me, and then to be reticent when I ask for answers when the deed has been done. [ yin yu finally gives a small shrug of his shoulders. his mask turns back to look at sanji, properly. ] To me, that was more dishonorable than being killed ever could have been.
That's why I sought you out again, and I'm glad that you told me this: it means a lot to me, and you have my deepest gratitude for doing so.
[ there's a quiet, reflective pause, and his tone softens. ] ...I meant what I said, that we have to work together now. No running or hiding-- and that goes both for the two of you, and for myself. [ you have to live in the present moment. maybe it's high time he confronted some of his own troubles, too. ] I'd like to put it behind all three of us, and move towards a common goal.
The idea of "honor" was more for Yasusada, to be honest. I would've killed regardless of the finer details, but he wanted me on the side of the living, so ... he got the call the shots. [...] He got to decide who he fought. I couldn't be involved.
But fine. If you wanna call it what it was -- [murder, plain and simple] -- you got it.
[Sanji himself would have played dirty, stabbed Yin Yu in the back, done whatever was necessary to take him down, because there isn't really honor among pirates and all. Not when the game has so much at stake. So Yin Yu's frustration is noted with a tilt of the man's head before he just nods without much commentary.
(Does he feel it in his soul to be guilty, Sanji wonders at himself... Does Yin Yu's frustration actually reach him? He's done nothing but hit the ground running since he started this bullshit, moving people on the chess board like pawns, and even being faced with the man whom he condemned to death for the sake of the whole... Well. There's not a note of emotion in his chest, though maybe that's just the numbness settling into place.
... The castle really did change him for the worst.)
A cluck of his tongue. The chef drums his fingers along the table.]
You call it cowardly. I call it not opening my shitty mouth in public when I wasn't sure what I could or couldn't say. [The only part of that reply that Sanji seems to have issue with, judged by how his visible eye narrows. But it's not such a sticking point that he decides to dwell on it. Yin Yu is allowed his feelings on the matter, even if Sanji disagrees.]
You're not wrong, though. [A hand goes up to cup at his chin while the man sighs and leans his weight into his upturned knee] I miscalculated -- nah. I just fucked up. Didn't think that someone would actually take me on and actually survive. And then that lie ran away with Yasusada when he was left by himself...
[So it's no surprise that from what Sanji's heard, most of the living assumed it was a revenge kill and judged him accordingly. After all, it got his friend killed for nothing; an ugly truth he'll have to hang around his neck like a noose forever. The fatigue hits him like a slow-building curse, and Sanji sighs it out, feeling much older than twenty-one]
Anyway, I've got no issues working together. Kinda ruins my shitty plans if we all stay dead. [Still sounding vaguely surprised Yin Yu didn't throw the peace offering back in his face after a lengthy explanation of "surprise, we ran the numbers and you were the unlucky winner".]
... You're pretty damn reasonable for someone who should want to kick my ass.
[ it's nice to have said his piece, but it's just as nice to hear sanji talk, too. yin yu listens patiently, making sure to take every point made into consideration. there are a few things they'll have to agree to disagree on, but for the most part, it's... good.
it's a start.
at sanji's last comment, he huffs a soft half laugh. ] ...I have lived for three centuries, young master. If I have learned anything, it is that begrudging others only causes pain.
[ after all, quietly, he had begrudged quan yizhen for his talent. for his ability. for the way that he overcame yin yu like it was nothing, because to him, it was nothing, and that ugly, quiet grudge reared its head and ruined his life. he still wants to hate yizhen, but deep down, yin yu knows the only person he blames for such situations is himself. he's had enough garbage happen in his life that being beheaded for no reason is really just another layer of icing on the cake. ] Though, if you would like me to do so [ kick his ass, that is ] I am fairly certain that I could provide.
[ it's said a little more lightly. he's pretty sure he could take sanji in a fight, weapons or no weapons. unlike yasusada, yin yu wouldn't have needed a sword; his specialties have been in hand to hand for centuries.
but there's a brief pause after that, though, and the lightness disappears. ] ..besides, there were parts of this that I suppose are something close to karma.
We had a similar 'role' of sorts on the island. [ he won't doxx who it was, but that person is pretty open about it. ] Where that person was required to choose people to carry out the 'sacrifices' to be made for the ritual. I was one of the ones that they chose to kill someone, and I completed my task without being caught, in much of the same way.
[ his hand comes up to touch his throat. he barely remembers much of that night, but he remembers the aftermath. ] There was nothing particularly honorable about that, either. Whether I wanted to do it or not turned out to be irrelevant, because I did it, anyway. In some sense, I... will do my best to use this, to start to atone for that, too.
[Sanji's as much a warrior as he is a chef, and there's no stress relief like expressing yourself with your body instead of words. Being dead doesn't change that fundamental truth in his eyes. There's even a ghost of a smirk on his face as he replies, the first moment of amusement to cut through his flat expression.]
Ah, but you're an old bastard. Got it.
[Sounding neither surprised, intrigued, or all that caring, instead falling back on a blunt assessment of the facts. Given Yin Yu's age, it actually makes sense he'd take a much more pragmatic stance on the proceedings. When you're that old, it's not like there's gonna be anything left to shock you.
If there's anything that seems to pique his interest, however, it's that last part, and his expression turns grave again.]
If your role helped save people, maybe it wasn't glamorous, but it's something that served a purpose. [Saving people... giving them a chance to live for another tomorrow... that's always going to be Sanji's bottom line. But that said--] I get wanting to atone for it anyway.
[ he is in fact an old man, yeah. sanji's right on the money. three hundred years of a life (if you could call it that) has taught him some lessons, and he learned the hard way how holding a grudge could ruin everything you held dear. he's never been one to pick a fight.
...and it's good, to be something closer to even ground. the tension has evaporated, for the most part. the seriousness of the moment is more about the past and what they can do to help the future, not about the death. ultimately, to yin yu, it doesn't matter.
the comment about serving a purpose puts a sort of amused look on his face, if a little darkly, though it's not visible. if only he knew. ] ...serving a purpose and completing tasks is what I have always done, to the best of my ability. At the time, I didn't know it would save much of anyone, short of the eleven of us who would be allowed to survive.
Ultimately, I know that person is here, and that person deserves far more of a kind ending than what I - and what this place - has chosen to give him.
[ logically, he knows he can't atone. no matter what happens, he will always be guilty for harming someone who had done nothing wrong, but...maybe suffering the same pain is something of a start.
mm. there's a pause, and because he didn't forget; ] That being said...If you'd like to spar some time while we are here, I would be happy to do so. My training in the martial arts and hand to hand will be more than sufficient.
[ and it might be kind of relieving, anyway, for the stress.
yin yu gives a small bow of his head. ] ...thank you, sir. For clarifying with me. I do appreciate it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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and he was right.
so. yin yu folds his arms, settling in to listen. ] ...I've spoken with you all, but not about the castle itself.
Is that one of the roles? [ was, is. ]
1/2
[Easily breezing along through the explanation. It's not the first time Sanji has admitted his past evils, and it probably won't be the last. Instead he digs through his pockets before realizing that even if he had cigarettes on him, being dead's taken away his taste for nicotine. Figures.
So instead he settles back with a sigh, glancing at the ceiling]
Being an Editor had a point, though -- we had a lot of unruly bastards who wanted to break the game, or be sneaky. The kind of shit that would get everyone killed if too many people tried to play hero.
... I killed to give everyone a chance -- because it was the only way to ensure not everyone stayed dead forever. Balance and all.
no subject
-- And, uh. That's not a role I got here.
[ANTI-CLIMATIC.]
Shit, I even asked one of our hosts for details our first week, and they said there was no Editor role. So I ... [A flicker of emotion, and an unexpected pause. He hides both of them as best he can.] I panicked.
[...]
The only reason my castle got a happy ending is we were willing to suffer through it. Losing people. Killing a bunch. Acknowledging that the ugly solution would be the one to bring everyone back.
[... And it's here that Sanji switches out of his distant narration, fixing Yin Yu with a frank, near unapologetic gaze. He won't look away if the other man is determined to know the truth of it.]
I don't know what Yasusada told you, but we didn't go after you because of Giyuu. Sure, there was a chance you killed him. There was also an equal chance you didn't. [There was always going to be the chance that their mark was wrong. That was never the point.] I still told him to do what was necessary, especially when he mentioned you were a strong fighter. Someone who could hold his own in an honorable battle.
Because I decided early on I'd kill as many of you bastards as I needed to, to keep the teams even and prolong the game, until we could figure out a solution that would bring everyone back.
[Yin Yu wasn't a target, really. He was just a logistical sacrifice.]
no subject
but... in the end, it didn't matter, after all.
in a way, it's sort of poetic. that's the kind of life that yin yu has always lived; an unnoticeable shadow, an unknowable person, always designed to go out with a fizzle and never with a bang. it's almost laughable, in a pathetic sort of way.
yin yu is quiet for a long moment. mask on his face, sanji can't see his expression, but it hasn't changed much, as he processes the story. and there's a moment, a flare in his chest, where it hurts. (he had long pushed that hurt and pain away from him, because it had only caused him trouble, for so long. only recently was the softer, vulnerable heart he'd had when he was a god started to find its way to the surface again, only to be cut down. it's to be expected.)
when yin yu finally speaks again, his voice is neutral, quiet. ] ...You both used that word. "Honorable." I don't know if I would call the conditions of that battle anywhere near 'honorable': I would like to request that you would both stop calling it that.
What was so honorable about you lying to me? Was Yasusada telling me that it was about Tomioka supposed to soften the blow? It took me prodding at him the night of to even begin to tell me it was for this 'Okita-san'. And I know that Yasusada wasn't allowed to speak of what he had done, but this lie of yours just caused more confusion amongst the living, especially when we don't know who killed Tomioka in the first place.
[ there's a little frustration starting to leak through his voice, but, yin yu stops himself, and sighs. he lifts his mask up, reaching up to rub his forehead with two fingers, taking a deep breath. still water. your heart is still water. ]
...I'm not angry with either of you. It's not really about my life, or Tomioka, or the living. [ he says, quietly, as he finishes, because he really isn't angry. not at sanji, or yasusada, really. at the camp. at the island. at the hundreds of years of failure on his belt. ] I understand what it means to want to win, especially in this situation. I want to win as much as you two do, and that was something I have been working towards in my own right since the beginning. It's something I will continue to work for with everything I have here, now.
...The matter of me being 'chosen', for the reasons you've given, doesn't matter to me. In the barest of logic, it was a good point, although the use of powers on either end didn't make any of it feel particularly honorable. What mattered was how cowardly of the both of you it was to lie to me, and then to be reticent when I ask for answers when the deed has been done. [ yin yu finally gives a small shrug of his shoulders. his mask turns back to look at sanji, properly. ] To me, that was more dishonorable than being killed ever could have been.
That's why I sought you out again, and I'm glad that you told me this: it means a lot to me, and you have my deepest gratitude for doing so.
[ there's a quiet, reflective pause, and his tone softens. ] ...I meant what I said, that we have to work together now. No running or hiding-- and that goes both for the two of you, and for myself. [ you have to live in the present moment. maybe it's high time he confronted some of his own troubles, too. ] I'd like to put it behind all three of us, and move towards a common goal.
no subject
But fine. If you wanna call it what it was -- [murder, plain and simple] -- you got it.
[Sanji himself would have played dirty, stabbed Yin Yu in the back, done whatever was necessary to take him down, because there isn't really honor among pirates and all. Not when the game has so much at stake. So Yin Yu's frustration is noted with a tilt of the man's head before he just nods without much commentary.
(Does he feel it in his soul to be guilty, Sanji wonders at himself... Does Yin Yu's frustration actually reach him? He's done nothing but hit the ground running since he started this bullshit, moving people on the chess board like pawns, and even being faced with the man whom he condemned to death for the sake of the whole... Well. There's not a note of emotion in his chest, though maybe that's just the numbness settling into place.
... The castle really did change him for the worst.)
A cluck of his tongue. The chef drums his fingers along the table.]
You call it cowardly. I call it not opening my shitty mouth in public when I wasn't sure what I could or couldn't say. [The only part of that reply that Sanji seems to have issue with, judged by how his visible eye narrows. But it's not such a sticking point that he decides to dwell on it. Yin Yu is allowed his feelings on the matter, even if Sanji disagrees.]
You're not wrong, though. [A hand goes up to cup at his chin while the man sighs and leans his weight into his upturned knee] I miscalculated -- nah. I just fucked up. Didn't think that someone would actually take me on and actually survive. And then that lie ran away with Yasusada when he was left by himself...
[So it's no surprise that from what Sanji's heard, most of the living assumed it was a revenge kill and judged him accordingly. After all, it got his friend killed for nothing; an ugly truth he'll have to hang around his neck like a noose forever. The fatigue hits him like a slow-building curse, and Sanji sighs it out, feeling much older than twenty-one]
Anyway, I've got no issues working together. Kinda ruins my shitty plans if we all stay dead. [Still sounding vaguely surprised Yin Yu didn't throw the peace offering back in his face after a lengthy explanation of "surprise, we ran the numbers and you were the unlucky winner".]
... You're pretty damn reasonable for someone who should want to kick my ass.
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it's a start.
at sanji's last comment, he huffs a soft half laugh. ] ...I have lived for three centuries, young master. If I have learned anything, it is that begrudging others only causes pain.
[ after all, quietly, he had begrudged quan yizhen for his talent. for his ability. for the way that he overcame yin yu like it was nothing, because to him, it was nothing, and that ugly, quiet grudge reared its head and ruined his life. he still wants to hate yizhen, but deep down, yin yu knows the only person he blames for such situations is himself. he's had enough garbage happen in his life that being beheaded for no reason is really just another layer of icing on the cake. ] Though, if you would like me to do so [ kick his ass, that is ] I am fairly certain that I could provide.
[ it's said a little more lightly. he's pretty sure he could take sanji in a fight, weapons or no weapons. unlike yasusada, yin yu wouldn't have needed a sword; his specialties have been in hand to hand for centuries.
but there's a brief pause after that, though, and the lightness disappears. ] ..besides, there were parts of this that I suppose are something close to karma.
We had a similar 'role' of sorts on the island. [ he won't doxx who it was, but that person is pretty open about it. ] Where that person was required to choose people to carry out the 'sacrifices' to be made for the ritual. I was one of the ones that they chose to kill someone, and I completed my task without being caught, in much of the same way.
[ his hand comes up to touch his throat. he barely remembers much of that night, but he remembers the aftermath. ] There was nothing particularly honorable about that, either. Whether I wanted to do it or not turned out to be irrelevant, because I did it, anyway. In some sense, I... will do my best to use this, to start to atone for that, too.
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[Sanji's as much a warrior as he is a chef, and there's no stress relief like expressing yourself with your body instead of words. Being dead doesn't change that fundamental truth in his eyes. There's even a ghost of a smirk on his face as he replies, the first moment of amusement to cut through his flat expression.]
Ah, but you're an old bastard. Got it.
[Sounding neither surprised, intrigued, or all that caring, instead falling back on a blunt assessment of the facts. Given Yin Yu's age, it actually makes sense he'd take a much more pragmatic stance on the proceedings. When you're that old, it's not like there's gonna be anything left to shock you.
If there's anything that seems to pique his interest, however, it's that last part, and his expression turns grave again.]
If your role helped save people, maybe it wasn't glamorous, but it's something that served a purpose. [Saving people... giving them a chance to live for another tomorrow... that's always going to be Sanji's bottom line. But that said--] I get wanting to atone for it anyway.
wow i love when my inbox eats notifs
...and it's good, to be something closer to even ground. the tension has evaporated, for the most part. the seriousness of the moment is more about the past and what they can do to help the future, not about the death. ultimately, to yin yu, it doesn't matter.
the comment about serving a purpose puts a sort of amused look on his face, if a little darkly, though it's not visible. if only he knew. ] ...serving a purpose and completing tasks is what I have always done, to the best of my ability. At the time, I didn't know it would save much of anyone, short of the eleven of us who would be allowed to survive.
Ultimately, I know that person is here, and that person deserves far more of a kind ending than what I - and what this place - has chosen to give him.
[ logically, he knows he can't atone. no matter what happens, he will always be guilty for harming someone who had done nothing wrong, but...maybe suffering the same pain is something of a start.
mm. there's a pause, and because he didn't forget; ] That being said...If you'd like to spar some time while we are here, I would be happy to do so. My training in the martial arts and hand to hand will be more than sufficient.
[ and it might be kind of relieving, anyway, for the stress.
yin yu gives a small bow of his head. ] ...thank you, sir. For clarifying with me. I do appreciate it.