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week 6 | sunday, post-execution
[It's probably obvious how far Sanji has gone to avoid people lately. He didn't make himself available after the trial yesterday, something he's never done before, and besides for a stray comment offered to Cardia and Eichi, he leaves the execution without a word to anyone -- ignoring the tears and frustration of his castle comrades.
So Souji's best bet to catch Sanji? Stop him at the foyer stairs before he makes it to his room. Whether this is a result of him hiding because he's lost faith in everyone, or just lost faith in himself, he doesn't... really want to talk to anyone.]
Oi... need something?
So Souji's best bet to catch Sanji? Stop him at the foyer stairs before he makes it to his room. Whether this is a result of him hiding because he's lost faith in everyone, or just lost faith in himself, he doesn't... really want to talk to anyone.]
Oi... need something?
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Sanji had been there when he was reeling in his grief, though. He at least has to try.]
Will you come with me?
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He also can't have Souji dying at the steps of the foyer, either, looking at him with that expression.
It takes a couple of beats, but Sanji's shoulders slouch in consent, and he'll reach out, allowing Souji to take his hand if he wants]
Lead the way.
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He'll lead the way all the way to his room in Earth dorm, and drop his hand only when he turns to close the door.]
...It's difficult. [A simple start. He takes a breath that rattles, sticks briefly in his lungs.]
I know that it's difficult, to lose someone you've been through so much with. People will say things like "I'm sorry" or "there was nothing to be done for it" or ask if you're okay, over and over, but no matter how many say it, it doesn't really make things feel any better. It doesn't change that someone took something precious from you, or make you less angry toward yourself. It doesn't change what happened, and that you couldn't stop it from happening. It won't make you want to see anyone more, or talk to anyone more. So I won't take up much of your time...
[Grief is delicate and everyone handles their own differently, after all. But he'll hold his hands out toward Sanji, palms up as if in supplication or asking for his in turn, a furrow at his brow.]
...And I won't ask you to be okay. But I will ask that you keep walking with us.
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He keeps in the words he almost spews out, whether they be angered, or hurt, or just grief-stricken He knows all of this. He knows, it's why he's been keeping away so no one has to see what his face looks behind a closed door.
Being told the truth with nowhere to run just rips into the fresh wound even more, and ignites heat into his throat as he finally hisses out:]
You don't need me anymore.
[Seas, they never did. No one understands]
I'm expendable. Trust me. The group would be better off if I died at this point.
[He wanted so badly at the end of the trial. Instead it was his partner who had to go]
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You say that, but people here are still looking to you, you know? We worried when you were gone last night. I'm sure you'll be getting visitors today, too, even though you want to be alone.
[There's a brief note of mild apology in his tone at that, since he knows that sometimes you just want to sit in your empty room where your deadass partner used to be and wallow, and he's also actively preventing that.
He's not apologetic enough to step aside and let Sanji leave, though. Not yet.]
You've spent so long telling the rest of us not to give up. Are you ready to do so regardless?
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... He doesn't, of course. Souji is a friend, and Sanji's bitterness is not meant for him. He closes his eyes.]
Zelos would come after me if I just laid down and died.
[His wish to die is only that -- a wish.]
If I go, Rebecca-chan won't last, either. [His shoulders hang with exhaustion.]
... I know you bastards care.
tfw i always forget sanji is so young jesus
That's the way things are.
[Sanji's sure stuck with a bunch of caring bastards for better or for worse, even if it's painful. Even if every step forward is excruciating, or lonely. Even if exhaustion bears down with such terrible weight that it bows the shoulders, bends the back.
Continuing to walk is cruel in many ways. But Souji is glad for the resolve of so many to do exactly that.
There's another pause then, and his head cants just a little to the side.]
...I knew before you asked that question yesterday.
[He figures he doesn't need to say much more than that.]
he is a teen masquerading as an adult
When did you?
[he doesn't look Souji in the eye. His expression is... blank.]
i cant believe souji is older than sanji!!!!!
[Since Fane fckin came up to him and immediately let him know who done did Fitz in.]
I meant what I said, you know.
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Souji knows.
How many other people have been letting him skate by without saying a word? Grief knots in his throat and suddenly he can't stand to be here, so he just covers his face instead, trying to block out the world and hide the sudden flow of tears.]
I'm--
I'm sorry.
[His voice comes out in broken pieces]
I didn't want to -- and then Yasusada, and Rapunzel-chan--
[All of it had spiraled out of control before Sanji could stop it, and his actions killed off more people.]
I tried not to draw it out -- he kept fighting the entire time, he was fast, so--
[It wasn't cruelty. Hijikata was just that good of a fighter.]
Why? You could've told anyone. I would have deserved to die--!
[Why won't anyone let him die in this place?]
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In contrast to the lightness of his touch, his words are steel-boned.]
It isn't a matter of "deserved" or "undeserved". We've all made our choices. Everyone has been placed into situations that are difficult or painful, and I doubt anyone here doesn't have at least one thing they feel they should apologize for or regret by now. The only thing we can do is move forward.
[Though he takes another breath in after that, another breath that constricts in his chest and makes his lungs ache more than usual. Softer:]
...Hijikata-san would have been happier to die fighting back than to die easily, anyway. He's a samurai, you know? And you - you did all that you could with what you were given.
[He can't hold it against Sanji.]
It's a heavy burden that you carry, too.
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It still takes a while before he calms down, or has at least stops crying. And the end result is a look of shame -- not for his tears, exactly, just that this had to have happened at all.
What would his crew think of him, seeing how far he's fallen...]
Even still...
[-- No. He doesn't finish that sentence. The images of Beauty and Beast flash through his head, only children, and Sanji bites the inside of the cheek, realizing that he can't profess the desire to be punished if he won't apply the same logic to kids.
Huffing a sigh. He glances at Souji, but then loses his nerve and stares at the floor]
Do you know if anyone else knows...?
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It must have been a lot, he thinks, to keep that to himself for so long. To be able to keep up enough strength to face everyone during investigation, in trial, at execution - and to still take care of them through their own grief.
He only removes his hand once Sanji's crying has dwindled, once again folding them neatly in front of himself, seemingly unbothered by Sanji being unable to keep his gaze. That's fair.]
No one that I've told myself, though I'd imagine some may have figured it out after yesterday.
[Or a little beforehand, maybe, but. Well. Nothing to be done about that.]
Would you like this to stay quiet?
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... You know I don't really care. You saw what I tried to do during the shtity trial.
[Was ready to dive into death's embrace if it meant saving Varian, and even in that, he had failed.]
I promised some people I wouldn't go looking for death, but if you think everyone should know, then... I won't stop you.
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But he shakes his head.]
If you aren't looking for death, then I won't bring it to you.
[It isn't revenge he's after, here. He doesn't feel anything truly negative toward Sanji, and certainly won't be the one to condemn him after reminding him that he needs to stick around.]
you know the sad thing is I think I was just wrote the tag in my head and forgot to complete it
It's why he can only accept Souji's forgiveness -- at present, he has no right to do anything but.]
... Would you prefer I leave you alone from here on out?
[Spoken to the floor more than Souji, and yes, he knows that between the two of them, Sanji is probably the only one who cares about the technicalities of killing someone Souji cared about.
He can't help himself. Just because he's been granted pardon doesn't mean the other man wants anything to do with him from here on out.]
THATS A MOOD TBH
I'm not exactly able to look after you if we never speak again, you know.
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... You're the second person whose taken this better than I suspected.
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Hijikata-san is Hijikata-san, it's true. [A simple and redundant statement, because he doesn't know how else to say "he's important" so succinctly.] But after so many weeks here together, is that really such a surprise?
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[He'll concede that much, not that it really hides the confusion. Acceptance or not, He's gonna need a lot more time to work through the fact that he isn't going to be pitchforked yet. Heh.]
... Thanks, though.
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He'll just nod a little though, leaving off his usual comment, "no need for thanks". He gets the feeling now isn't the time for that.]
Of course. From this point forward, we'll just do what we can do, right?
[To succeed - to do their best for everyone, despite the wrongs that have occurred and the mistakes made along the way.]